I Am Strung Out on Wellbutrin

download But not on purpose, it’s just that this dosage of Wellbutrin is like crack. Not that I would know………(I have been sober nearly 7 years).

Anyway, I can’t sleep and I can’t eat and I can’t come.  You heard me, I can’t have orgasms.  Well, not without some crazy fucking effort.

This is unacceptable.  At least the orgasm part is. 

WHY ORGASMS, WHY?  where have you gone?

Mentally, though, I feel great.  Back to normal, not depressed.  Physically, I feel like I am a zombie from lack of sleep, or I am crawling out of my skin.

Mentally, I am going, what was I worried about with the fiance? (See previous posts: “I lost a Piece of Him,” and “I Smoke & I Don’t Eat & I Lament”)

It’s just that the weight of the depression becomes so immense that I am deprived of perspective. Reality becomes distorted, and all that exists is my feelings, which range from intense sadness to anger to literally numb.

This is all because I quit my job, thereby losing my insurance to not-as-good insurance (cause my cobra was $800/month just for the medical for me alone!).  This took me far down the scale of antidepressants to those that are affordable – generic Wellbutrin – and, well, here I am. 

A cracked out zombie girl.  To be clear, it’s not the Wellbutrin, per say, it’s the side effects of th max dose of it that my brain needs to fucking be normal.  

So, I am trying to lower the crack-head-ness feeling.  I listen to Miles Davis, but mistakenly think  the “Birth of the Cool” album is actually what I consider “cool” jazz, but it is not. 

WTF MILES?  Why have you betrayed me?

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Author: Madison

I am a thirty-eight year-old kinky feminist in recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar type; PTSD/Dissociative Disorder, NOS; Substance Use Disorder, just trying to make it in life. My blog is about my day-to-day misadventures and musings.

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