Deep Wonderland: Down the Rabbit Hole

The world spins, goes out of focus, becomes a hazy spark of confusion.  I feel like I just woke up from a dream. Fantastic daymares plague me.  Electrified, I sit in silence.  I can’t see myself clearly, or sometimes, at all.  I am disconnected from my life, myself, my emotions.  My life is a hazy, black and white silent film.  A clock strikes 3am, and I go numb.  The buzz in my head is loud—so loud I can’t think.  Thoughts feel jumbled and the world feels strange.  I wonder “is this the end?”  A sharp inhale, and I am flying.  Jagged images float past me, and I reach for them, under the substance of reality.  Sounds are dull and far away.   Vaguely, light slowly, silently filters through as it’s own odd sensation.  Simultaneously, I feel empty.  My soul is outside of my body.  I look back at myself, and I do not recognize myself.  I do not understand; perhaps, I am not meant to fully know the pain. I have gone into deep wonder and fallen through the rabbit hole; The other side is mysterious and dark.

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Author: Madison

I am a thirty-eight year-old kinky feminist in recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar type; PTSD/Dissociative Disorder, NOS; Substance Use Disorder, just trying to make it in life. My blog is about my day-to-day misadventures and musings.

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