1989

The two realities fade,

blur together, shimmer,

until reality is less palpable

you can see

between the lines

underneath thoughts

throughout time.

you can see out

but no one can see in

so why don’t you

take a look inside

my skin

lets take a ride

to 1989

and dance at my funeral

spark he’ll let me drive his LeBaron

as usual i’ll

get a speeding ticket

on the other side

have to slow it down

take it one reality at a time.

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Another Life

download-2So what I hope is a final diagnosis has been unleashed upon me.  It was given to me years ago, by the only good psychiatrist I have ever had (previous to the current time), considering the deep south is full of imposters and those whom actually little knowledge of diagnosis.  Schizoaffective, Bipolar type.  This means I have elements of both bipolar disorder and schizoaffective disorder.  Also, I have been diagnosed with PTSD.  I think the PTSD is severe—I can’t tolerate bright lights, a lot of people, or noise.  I am overly aware of sounds and sensations.  It feels like a PTSD thing, rather than a psychosis thing, but I am also experiencing elements of psychosis.  I hear music, and I know its not there.  The Dr.’s seem surprised I have this awareness; yes, there is insight, but I don’t know why.  Perhaps because I have been down this road before, and I know the deal.  First, the music that seems so soft.  I turn off everything that it could stem from and I still hear it.  I ignore it and tell myself it doesn’t matter.  But it does.  It does, because mental illness steals from me.  I see my former Master degree cohorts becoming Directors of organizations and departments; I see my high school friends whom have been married for 10 years; I see my former co-workers have babies, and I realize there are things that otherwise would have the ability to do, but because of my illness, I do not.  I am 37 and psychotic and depressed (a severe mix) and I will not recover more than likely in time to have a child.  I will be rocketed back into psychosis, my mind thrown away.  I wonder if this will ever end, or if every good day simply leads back to a sideways one.  I feel well enough to walk the dog, and feel grateful for that.  We walk and walk and I wonder, what are the lives like of the people inside each house?  Are they like mine?  The kids in 421, playing rap music and laughing; the old lady in her lazy boy, always in her lazy boy with her housecoat on, with no curtains on her windows.  The couple in the house with orange lights, their only Halloween decorations.  Am I the only one going insane?

Schizoaffective disorder effects .03% of the population.  If I tell bipolar people, those who know what stigma is like, that I have psychotic features they recoil from me and say “I don’t have that;” If I tell a “normal” person, they immediately take a step back at the word, schizo, horrified and confused.  The Dr.’s say that the ability to seem normal and functional and “present well” is part of my illness, and I wonder who else is out there, who is like me, but is “presenting well.”  It is a little scary, to tell you the truth, that we are out in the world like normal people, that other people have thoughts like me.  My therapist likes group therapy for me, and although I try it, I realize that anxiety/depression groups have no understanding of anything more severe, and bipolar patients compete for whose sicker.  I can “win” that competition quite easily if I wanted to, but I don’t try, it doesn’t make sense to me.  Why would I want to be the sickest person in the room?  I have been that person my whole life, and I don’t want pity from anyone.  I shy away from telling anyone but my fiancé what is going on internally for me, because I think it makes people sad. I don’t want people to be sad.  I used to be unable to pick up on others emotions or reactions, now I seem intimately attuned to them.  People feel sad and sorry for me and it just causes me more pain, so I don’t talk about my illness, but that allows it to grow.  So I realize that I must; I casually make light of hearing mumbling voices or music.  People seem to take it better this way, like they understand I am sick, but I don’t really act like I am, so it is ok.  In reality, I am in so much pain that it hurts to think.  I try to reel in my thoughts and go in a different direction, sometimes it works.  Sometime, it doesn’t, particularly when Gretchen is whispering in my ear.  You know how you have a voice in your head, that’s your own voice?  Everyone has this, but I have another voice, that seems separate from me, but it’s my own voice, speaking to me in third person.  “You shouldn’t have done that,” “you are a fuck-up.”  Some people have this, and its still normal, but when it is more often, and so demeaning, it into dances on the edge of psychosis.  I call this place “the borderlands” and sometimes I live there.  This is where Gretchen also lives and speaks to me.  I try not to give her power, but sometimes she overcomes me, she is me, but not me at the same time.  Gretchen spoke her name to me suddenly one day, and it surprised me because it gives me power over her to some extent, as to know someone’s true name give you power.  I am changing my own name, again, to become someone else.  Like the 8 of cups in tarot, I am walking away from everything, have walked away from almost everything, to be reborn into what I hope is another life.

There is beauty in the Madness – An Experience of Watching Blade Runner 2049

 

images-1Blade Runner 2049 is truly a spiritual experience to watch, or at least it was for me.  The dark, gritty, hazy feel is reminiscent of both the future and the past.  I related to it because of the need to feel human in a world of madness in which I do not.  The desire to do something great; to make meaning of this madness of the human condition.  To quelch the numbness I feel inside.  Ryan Gosling does justice to the original film in his role, as does the entire film.  I watched intently, with a feeling of Deja vu, but for what, I did not know.  The seasons changed rapidly in the film, much like my sharp, jagged moods.  Sometime I was unsure of reality, such when I thought my seat was moving, but it was not a D-box film.  The seat moving (for some reason) concerned me more than the realization this was possibly a hallucination.  It is fine when I experience things that aren’t real, as long as I can figure that out at some point.  It is when I can’t, that I am really in trouble.  Then, the demon in my mind becomes louder and stronger.

The film was a strange sort of beautiful, with several characters who were meant to remind you of characters in the original film and a strong, but, disturbing ending.  Despite it being disturbing, I loved it; maybe because it is much like my real life with regards to the feel of my life, my mind, and my emotions.  The film reminded me of a time, long ago, when I saw the film eXistenZ (David Cronenburg, 1999) in a small, dark house in a small town filled with a gritty madness.  Both films affected me on primal level, the surreal experience making me unsure of the nature of reality.  I have recently learned I live primarily in what I call  “The Borderlands” or the space between reality and psychosis.  Psychosis is like a waking dream, like a spiritual experience, which eventually turns into intense darkness of the soul.  Voices cry out to me: “welcome to your own reality television show” and that is certainly the feel of the experience.  “the only was to live is to die” they say, and so I began to climb out the window of the 13th floor of my apartment.  A sharp pain hits me when I scrap my skin on the brick, and I am jolted, for just long enough back to a sort of reality, realizing this is not a good idea.  Blade runner is somewhat like this experience, except I actually jumped, but didn’t die.  Or maybe, I did die, but like the voices said, I live again, reborn.

Beautiful Screams

The wind is getting fierce

The sky is going dark

I’m standing outside in the rain

you can see inside me

Only because I let you.

Listening to music

As the ambient bass

Vibrates through me

To my soul

I wake up

Im no longer playing pretend;

Authenticity seemed so simple

In actuality, it can be

Like driving down a curvy road

In the snow, in the dark

With only the stars to guide you.

At least im no longer

Hanging upside down

For a dollar

its just not who I am

anymore.

I’ve opened

The crisp pages

Of a new book

The smell is so intoxicating

But so is the smell of leather

Although I don’t know that’s my path either.

a masochistic princess

turning primal,

She’s a squirrel

Who desperately wants

To be a wolf

But she lacks the bite,

the growl

Instead she purrs and giggles

wanting to please

towards the end

Her beautiful screams

Are echoing in the darkness.images.jpg