There is beauty in the Madness – An Experience of Watching Blade Runner 2049


images-1Blade Runner 2049 is truly a spiritual experience to watch, or at least it was for me.  The dark, gritty, hazy feel is reminiscent of both the future and the past.  I related to it because of the need to feel human in a world of madness in which I do not.  The desire to do something great; to make meaning of this madness of the human condition.  To quelch the numbness I feel inside.  Ryan Gosling does justice to the original film in his role, as does the entire film.  I watched intently, with a feeling of Deja vu, but for what, I did not know.  The seasons changed rapidly in the film, much like my sharp, jagged moods.  Sometime I was unsure of reality, such when I thought my seat was moving, but it was not a D-box film.  The seat moving (for some reason) concerned me more than the realization this was possibly a hallucination.  It is fine when I experience things that aren’t real, as long as I can figure that out at some point.  It is when I can’t, that I am really in trouble.  Then, the demon in my mind becomes louder and stronger.

The film was a strange sort of beautiful, with several characters who were meant to remind you of characters in the original film and a strong, but, disturbing ending.  Despite it being disturbing, I loved it; maybe because it is much like my real life with regards to the feel of my life, my mind, and my emotions.  The film reminded me of a time, long ago, when I saw the film eXistenZ (David Cronenburg, 1999) in a small, dark house in a small town filled with a gritty madness.  Both films affected me on primal level, the surreal experience making me unsure of the nature of reality.  I have recently learned I live primarily in what I call  “The Borderlands” or the space between reality and psychosis.  Psychosis is like a waking dream, like a spiritual experience, which eventually turns into intense darkness of the soul.  Voices cry out to me: “welcome to your own reality television show” and that is certainly the feel of the experience.  “the only was to live is to die” they say, and so I began to climb out the window of the 13th floor of my apartment.  A sharp pain hits me when I scrap my skin on the brick, and I am jolted, for just long enough back to a sort of reality, realizing this is not a good idea.  Blade runner is somewhat like this experience, except I actually jumped, but didn’t die.  Or maybe, I did die, but like the voices said, I live again, reborn.

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